What Mel Did
What Mel Did - Tess and Morgan Selfie

A contribution to International Day of the Girl

Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let’s talk about sex. ~ Salt-n-Pepa

In a week where we had International Day of the Girl, I was reminded of my own formative years and some of the things that were just not discussed back then. (Whispers: Yes, sex and the opposite sex.)

Where babies came from was “Nobody’s business but their own,” periods were units of time and foreplay was a tennis term.

In my day, you entered adulthood knowing little about the mechanics of sex, and was eventually something that happened almost by osmosis – and sometimes as seamless (Was that it?)

Suffice it to say it also resembled nothing like the glossy tabloids led us to believe; and information passed around the playground bordered on the dangerous when not laughable.

My contribution to International Day of the Girl is to impart some pieces of knowledge mama would have held onto back when:

1. From the late, great Victoria Wood, the earth does not move during sex. The wardrobe door might rattle a little, but that’s it.

2. “I love you” is no substitute for birth control.

3. Sitting on a warm toilet seat does not make you pregnant. Sitting on a warm naked boy will.

4. They often fall asleep after sex. Dump him if he falls asleep during sex.

5. Do not waste money on fancy lingerie. If you were covered head to toe in horse manure, they would still be up for it. (Pun intended.)

6. Pinching and twisting your nipples around as though tuning in CNN is not acceptable foreplay.

7. Don’t let him stab around in the dark, with you rolling your eyes and whining “That’s not it.” Be specific. Draw maps if necessary.

8. If it makes you feel dirty and degraded don’t do it.

9. Sperm tastes unpleasant.

10. The first time may likely be painful and/or a non-event and certainly nothing like the movies – unless that movie is Friday The 13th.

11. Discuss every aspect of the experience at regular and fabulous girlfriend lunches. The only thing necessasry for the triumph of bad sex is for women to say nothing.

12. You will break out in green, seeping boils if you have sex before the age of 21.

You’re welcome.

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